It’s too bad I never got to go on Cash Cab.
Maybe when I’m done being president I’ll buy a Winnebago, drive around the country. Pop out at rest stops and surprise people. “Hey, it’s me, President Obama!”
How do they know every snowflake is different? Did they check every snowflake? I bet a few of them are the same.
What goes on in a cranberry bog?
(J. Scott Applewhite/AP)
I never see a happy photo of the Olsen Twins. Buck up girls, it’s not so bad.
(Charles Ommanney/Getty Images)
There goes Bo, eating grass again. I wonder if he knows I’m the president.
(Pete Souza/White House Photo)
How come I never get an encore clap when I’m done with a speech? Should I say something to Axelrod?
I wonder how well I’d do if I played in the WNBA.
If Tom Hanks loves the moon so much, maybe he should have just been a fucking astronaut.
(Rodger Bosch/AFP/Getty Images)
Cantaloupe makes all the other fruit in the fruit salad taste a little bit like cantaloupe. Kind of a dick move.
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